I hate songs. Well, not every song. Just a lot of songs that other people like. I’ve been a DJ for years and along the way, I’ve learned some universal truths:

• A lot people hang out in bars.
• A lot of these people are horrible.
• Horrible people like horrible music.
• A lot of cool people hang out in bars too.
• Inexplicably, some cool people like horrible music too.
• When people tell me they like “all kinds of music,” it usually means that they like horrible music in several different genres, i.e. “I love Creed and John Mayer but I also love Toby Keith and Tone Loc!!”
• Sorority girls are my nemeses.
• Many sorority girls only enjoy songs to which they’ve memorized the words.
• Many sorority girls think you care that it’s their birthday.
• Many sorority girls preface their requests by telling you that you suck.
• Many fraternity boys make requests on behalf of sorority girls.
• Sorority girl requests through a third party still suck.
• People think that “eighties” is a style of music.
• Guys who wear their hats sideways tend not to be articulate.
• People’s behavior does not improve with the massive consumption of alcohol.
• People with blue hair, nose rings and tons of tattoos are way nicer than people with sweaters tied around their necks and polo shirts.
• The NFL dominates our culture.
• It doesn’t matter how cool the bride and groom are, their Aunt Susan still wants to hear “Celebration.”
• When a bar owner tells you that you’re “part of the family,” it’s time to find a new gig.
• A lot of DJs who spin “house,” “techno” or “jungle” suck.
• Spinning music on vinyl does not make you good. Horrible selections over a bad P.A. still suck even with that rich analog sound.
• “Your Body Is A Wonderland” by John Mayer is the worst single piece of recorded music ever made.

With these truths in mind, I’ll be sharing some of the songs I hate the most in the weeks ahead – beginning next time with the aforementioned Mr. Mayer.