I was gonna write about John Mayer. I really was. But then I thought about Super Bowl weekend and that made me think of …the Super Bowl… and that made me think of the halftime show and that made think of the Black Eyed Peas. In recent years the likes of the Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, the Who, Prince and Tom Petty have played the Super Bowl, so doesn’t it follow that the logical successor would be the uh, Black Eyed Peas.

The Black Eyed Peas? Something must have happened when I wasn’t looking. So I decided to do some digging. First, I found out that the four people in the Black Eyed Peas are as follows: will.i.am, fergie, apl.de.ap and taboo. Wait – what? Apl.de.ap? Is that HTML code for virtual strudel? I don’t know. But they must have done something to warrant the biggest spot in American entertainment, right?

A brief career overview:

1. They had a huge hit song called “Let’s Get Retarded.” That’s gotta be a mistake. I mean they can’t really have a song called “Let’s Get Retarded” can they? And if they do have a song called “Let’s Get Retarded,” are these really the words?:
   
   (yeah) Everybody, (yeah) Everybody (yeah) Let’s get into it (yeah)
   Get stupid (Come on) Get Retarded (Come on!) Get Retarded (Yeah!!)
   Let’s Get Retarded! (Haa!) Let’s Get Retarded! (In here!) [x2]
   (R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D!)
   Let’s Get Retarded! (Haa!) Let’s Get Retarded! (In here!) [x2]
   (WoWoooWoWoooWowoooaarRRHH!!)
   (yeah..cuckoo…Ah hah!)
   (cuckoo…In here!)
   (cuckoo…Ah hah!)
   (cuckoo…In here!)
   (R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D!)
   (cuckoo…Ah hah!)
   (cuckoo…In here!)
   Oww, Oww, Oww…
   Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya’ Ya!! 

   It must be awesome though.

2. They had another huge hit song called “Boom Boom Pow.” Here’s another lyrical samplingGotta get-get, gotta get-get
   Gotta get-get, gotta g-g-g-get-get-get, get-get

   Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
   Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
   Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
   Boom boom boom, gotta get-get

   Boom boom boom, now
   Boom boom boom, now
   Boom boom pow
   Boom boom

   Again, it doesn’t seem like it would be awesome but it must be.

3. They have experience after having performed at the half-time show at the Canadian Football League’s Grey Cup in 2005.
4. They have another #1 song called “My Humps.” It says they want to mix our milk with their cocoa puffs.What you gon’ do with all that junk?
   All that junk inside that trunk?
   I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
   Get you love drunk off my hump.
   What u gon’ do with all that ass?
   All that ass inside them jeans?
   I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
   Make u scream, make you scream.
   Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
   My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps.

   I met a girl down at the disco.
   She said hey, hey, hey yea let’s go.
   I could be your baby, you can be my honey
   Lets spend time not money.
   I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
   Milky, milky cocoa,
   Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

   The All Music Guide described “My Humps” as “one of the most embarrassing rap performances of the new millennium”. But, clearly they must be wrong because it’s awesome. will.i.am says he wrote “My Humps” during a five-minute studio break, but he must not remember clearly because how could something this thought provoking be written in just a few minutes? Anyhoo, he says the song stemmed from a conversation he was having with a friend when a beautiful woman walked by. When the rapper asked, “Whatcha gonna do with all that junk,” his friend replied, “You should turn that into a song.” He got a second opinion when he crossed paths with the woman again and stopped her. “I was like, ‘Hey, my homeboy told me I’m supposed to make a song about you,’ and she said, ‘Oh yeah, well how’s it supposed to go?'” he recalled. “I was like, ‘What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk?’” Okay, okay, now, I get it.

5. They have another big hit song called “Don’t Phunk With My Heart .” You see, they don’t say “fuck.” They say “phunk.” That’s smart and awesome.
6. They have another awesome song called “I Gotta Feeling” which despite sounding like an auto-tuned version of a sixth-grade girl’s sleepover party, Fergie says it “captures the pinnacle moments of a party, when nights kick into high gear.”So, it’s a pinnacle. This is exactly the kind of thing I didn’t know.

If you need any more convincing about the Black Eyed Peas worthiness as a Super Bowl performer, take will.i.am at this word. He says, “This isn’t about winning people over. But even if people don’t like us, I want them to say ‘That shit was crazy! Them muthafuckas was nuts! That was the best 13-minutes I’ve seen! And that guy Will.i.am is awesome as shit. Damn!'”

I feel horrible about being suspicious of this fine, fine band. Please join me in getting retarded when they play the best 13 minutes I’m ever gonna see. Boom boom pow!